How to Read in 2025 (Because Apparently, You Forgot)

By the Editor-in-Chief, SwampWire Press

Live footage of someone who read the headline, skipped the disclaimer, and called their congressman about psychic paratroopers.

Here at SwampWire Press, we pride ourselves on publishing stories that walk the fine line between absurdity and terrifying plausibility; the kind of writing that should make you laugh, think, and maybe cry into your reheated takeout. But every now and then, something magical happens: Reddit reads one of our articles. And by “reads,” I of course mean “blindly screenshots the headline, rage-types a 400-word tantrum in the comments, and accuses us of destroying the moral fabric of the military-industrial complex.”

Take, for instance, the case of our dear contributor Mr. Jonas, whose satirical piece about airborne psychic warfare was clearly labeled fiction, satire, and, just for extra clarity, dumb as hell.

Yet somehow, a fleet of "internet Army gurus" (a species that thrives on acronyms, anger, and outdated doctrine) got their combat briefs in a twist. They called for investigations, ethics reviews, and even accused Mr. Jonas of violating OPSEC… over a fake story involving telepathic jumpmasters.

Reddit proved one thing: Even those with graduate degrees can be functionally illiterate when it comes to media consumption.

So, if you’re reading this and you’re one of those people, bless your heart, here’s a quick refresher on how to consume media in 2025 without embarrassing yourself and your entire digital lineage:

1. READ THE DISCLAIMER

It’s usually at the top. Sometimes at the bottom. Always somewhere. If you don’t read it and then cry that “nobody told you it was fake,” that’s on you, champ, not the internet.

2. If the Story Sounds Like a Fever Dream, It Probably Is

Did the article say Florida is launching a moon base out of a Bass Pro Shop? That’s not CNN. That’s us. Welcome to satire.

3. Don’t Mistake Satire for Misinformation, that’s a You Problem

Satire exaggerates truth to make a point. In contrast, misinformation misleads you on purpose. If you can't tell the difference, maybe pause your “critical thinking” TED Talk until you finish a paragraph without crying.

4. Headlines Aren’t Essays

Reading only the headline and reacting like someone set your DD-214 on fire isn’t analysis; It’s panic with punctuation.

5. Take It With a Grain of Salt (or a Whole Salt Lick)

This isn’t your grandma’s news outlet. SwampWire is proudly unfiltered, unhinged, and unapologetically honest, especially when it’s lying on purpose. So, to everyone who was emotionally wrecked by fiction: We are not sorry. We put the disclaimer there. You didn’t read it. Mr. Jonas is fine; he is off writing a piece on telekinetic submarines for next week.

Until then, stay weird, stay skeptical, and try reading past the first sentence. You just might learn something like what satire is.

Sincerely,

The Editor-in-Chief

SwampWire Press

Where we assume you can read… until proven otherwise.