How to Sell 7 Copies of Your Novel to the Same 3 People on Different Devices
- Cara Hansen
- 5 days ago
- 2 min read
Delusional Marketing Division
Welcome to Indie Author University, where the marketing strategy is “hope,” your target audience is “your cousin with a Kindle,” and your career plan is “maybe TikTok will do the thing.”
Selling 7 copies of your novel may sound impressive until you realize it’s your mom, your ex, and your overly supportive coworker, each buying it on three different platforms because you begged them in a group chat.
Let’s break down how to do it.
Step 1: Manipulate Your Mom Emotionally
Platform: Amazon Kindle
Message:
“Hey Mom, remember when I almost died that one time and you said I was special? This is that moment.”
Bonus: Show her how to use the Kindle app. She doesn’t know how. She will ask you 16 times if this is the real Amazon.
Step 2: Weaponize Guilt on Your Ex
Platform: Apple Books
Message:
“I wrote this book during our relationship. The villain is basically you. Buy it before I DM your new girlfriend.”
Results may vary. May cause breakup number two, or reconciliation based on nostalgia and trauma.
Step 3: Offer Coworker an Out of the Staff Meeting
Platform: Google Play Books
Approach:
“Hey Brenda, if you buy my book during the team sync, I won’t loop you into the next DEI committee.”
Brenda will comply. Brenda hates the DEI committee. You’ve now secured sale #3.
Step 4: Repackage Each Platform as a “New Experience”
Explain to your three buyers that every device unlocks a unique version of your prose:
Kindle: “Optimized for literary souls.”
Apple Books: “Curated for readers who vape.”
Google Play: “For people who just want to finish something before they die.”
None of this is true. But neither is your Goodreads 5-star average.
Step 5: Launch a Newsletter to 4 People, All of Whom Are You
Create an email list. Add every email you’ve ever made:
bookgod99@gmail
author_lyfe_420@yahoo
mom_2_read@aol
altbackupforbooks@protonmail
Send out updates like:
“I just hit a MAJOR milestone. 7 sales. We’re GOING VIRAL, BABY!”
Celebrate with a sad glass of box wine. Then check your dashboard obsessively for two weeks. The number will never change.
Bonus: Pretend Sales Were Organic
Post on social media:
“Wow. I’m speechless. 7 downloads in 3 days. Whoever you are… thank you.”
They know who you are. You tagged them in the caption.
Final Tips from the South Park School of Literary Realism:
Your book is not “underrated.”
Nobody wants a character named “Aurelius Blaze.”
If your entire marketing plan involves praying for an algorithm to “notice you,” consider therapy.
Goodreads reviewers will find your book. They will not be kind.
Still not at 7 sales?
Try uploading a second edition with a new cover, a new title, and no new content. Just like traditional publishing does.
And remember: in indie publishing, every reader is a friend, hostage, or sock puppet. Choose wisely.